Pedih nyatanya yang tak terjawabMampu menjatuhkanku yang dikira tegarKau tepikan aku, kau renggut mimpiYang dulu kita ukir bersamaSeolah aku tak pernah jadi bagian besar dalam hari harimu Lebih baik kita usai di siniSebelum cerita indah tergantikan pahitnya sakit hatiBukannya aku mudah menyerah, tapi bijaksanaMengerti kapan harus berhentiKu kan menunggu, tapi tak selamanya
Kau tepikan aku, kau renggut mimpiYang dulu kita ukir bersamaSeolah aku tak pernah jadi bagian besar dalam hari-harimuSeolah janji dan kata-kata yang telah terucap kehilangan arti
Lebih baik kita usai di siniSebelum cerita indah tergantikan pahitnya sakit hatiBukannya aku mudah menyerah, tapi bijaksanaMengerti kapan harus berhentiKu kan menunggu tapi tak selamanya
Tak akan jera kupercaya cintaManis dan pahitnya kan kuterimaKini kisah kita akhiri dengan makna
Lebih baik kita usai di siniSebelum cerita indah tergantikan pahitnya sakit hatiBukannya aku mudah menyerah, tapi bijaksanaMengerti kapan harus berhentiKu kan menunggu, tapi tak selamanya. Thank you for understanding how it feels when no one does.
I don't know. I used to be able to fathom words into sentences that speaks up my mind. I guess I just have too many feelings felt all at once that I can't categorize them properly to further recognize them (or is it the other way around?). But sometimes I think I also feel nothing at all. Is that even possible? It's so intense and numbing at the same time. My theraphist says I might be surpressing my feelings but I call it selective expressing. I don't think it's really that necessary to get all touchy-feeling every second, right? Does holding their feelings makes one a tougher person? Someone wise once said to me that patience is not about letting the anger (or any feeling at all) build up inside you. It's about not losing control of your emotion. Well, isn't holding up your emotion some sort of control?
I asked a lot of questions. I was hoping for my blog to be informative when I first started it yet I asked a lot of (unanswered) questions here. But hey, all great people do (Charles Darwin is one good example). After all, not all who wander are lost, right?
Defeat does not taste good, darling. The bitterness of it lurks in the shadow, all well prepared for that moment when you let your guard slips down even for just a tiny second. You cannot control defeat, you can only control your guards. And even if you have everything under control that doesn't mean it's not strong enough to break it down.
Defeat is neither good nor bad. It can be a great whip (do not sing that nae nae song) for some, which then will boost up their spirit again, or it can be a painful stab to one's heart to the point that their soul stops glittering. All that's left is a faint glow, maybe a hint of ember. It should be enough though, the little light, if they just know how to keep it glowing. Hope is, after all, the eternal nemesis of defeat.
Let there be light even in the darkest place.
So I'll try to pick myself up. It's not the end of the world. It shouldn't be. I still have a lot to be grateful for. I believe God's plan are better than anyone's. He is the all knowing, He knows how hard one has been working for what they want. He just loves to see His best fighters continue their struggle because He knows they're the strongest of them all. He promises great rewards in the end and He never, ever, breaks His promise.
(Still not going to mention the fact that I have no longer wrote on a regular basis)
I can't believe it's the last week of my high school days. We still have prom night and graduation and maybe some administration stuff to look forward to, but my days studying wearing that grey and white uniform is almost over. The next 2 days is the last 2 days of my national exam. At this point I just hope that I don't disappoint my parents. The dream of having a perfect score is just too high :'D
So what's next for me ? That question still haunts me for days even to this second. Most of my friends had already got that figured out. There are a lot of options, from the best to the worst. But how do I choose if I don't even know what I want ?
I know that this whole "I'm trying to figure out what I want to be in life" topic is pretty boring for you, whoever read this post. It has been the main topic for a couple of my past posts. And I am a little bit bored too. I wish my boredom would give me answers. I'm not even 100% sure I know who I am, let alone what I wanna be in life.
But maybe, just maybe, this uncertainty is a good thing. I don't want to be limited by my own choices. But then is it a really good thing if I have a lot (or too many) options ?
I didn't expect being a teenager to be this stressful.
Well, tomorrow's exam is Physics and I suck at it. Like...so bad. Yet here I am snacking and binge-watching 2 Broke Girls and Stitchers.
or at least it's night here when I wrote this.
It's funny how I still remember the password to my blog account since I've stopped blogging for about god knows how many months now. I have to say that it did cross my mind for a few times to update this site, and some of my friends (two, to be exact) asked whether I'm going to post something new or not. I guess it's safe to say that they liked my blog!!!!
or maybe they just need something to laugh at.
there's that possibility.
So today is June 1st and I literally don't have anything to write. I just finally have enough willpower to overcome my laziness and write something. I'm currently on my finals week right now. I feel calm....or at least I wanted to feel calm. Today's exam subject was BI and it was 22 pages of pure torture :') and my teacher used the same paragraph over and over and over again for like 10 questions. I think I had enough reading for the rest of my life.
Tomorrow is June 2nd (why am I starting my paragraphs with obvious facts ?) and it's a day off celebrating the power of Pancasila (it is the literal translation of the name of the holiday). You see, theoretically you should start your paragraph with the general idea of what that paragraph is going to say. But in my blog that's not the case and we can simply forget about that rule, or even any rule ! because that's how I write, anything that crosses my mind, I'll write it in that second.
See, the thing is sometimes I feel like my blog posts should be something educative and informative for people to like it. Or at least, entertaining. OR AT THE VERY LEAST, have correct sentences (grammatically) and punctuations. But then I rethink about why I started blogging then, I'm doing it for fun. I don't want to end up having to serve people through my posts, even though many said that if I planned the whole thing carefully, I might make some good money. I want to have fun, I want to escape my usually, habitual life and wrote things that I didn't have the courage to say. That's it. If people happen to like it, good. If people didn't like it.....well that's not good but I guess it's okay.
I also think that this whole I-forgot-why-am-I-doing-this-in-the-first-place thing also happens a lot in our life. What I can tell you from a student perspective is that I know a lot of people who are competing to get a super duper extra high quality with cherry on top grades. I know, I know, that's the spirit. But most of the times that spirit turns people into animals. I've seen my friends sabotaging each other's works etc etc, not remembering why are they studying in the first place. I'm not going to put the "holier than thou" thing here but for me, I like knowing something. I like knowing how something works. I like to know why something works. and in my ideal world where there's no social obligations to get married and have kids, and you don't have to have good grades and a diploma to get your life together, I would love to be a life-long learner. I believe there's more to the universe; even after everything we've known now.
There are some times where I considered applying for philosophy major.
By the way, MY SCHOOL'S MAGAZINE IS GOING TO BE PRINTED ANYTIME SOON !!!!!!!!
Kelvin here, signing off.
P.S : Cara Delevingne I love you
P.P.S : that P.S above is an excellent example of my perfect incapability of systematic writing.
School is just getting crazier than ever. The assignments,those papers,the pressure. But hey, it's 2015 and I don't want to be trapped in the same mindset as 2014. I'm gonna try to enjoy this whole ride because you will only be in high school once in a lifetime,right ?
Oh God forbid don't let me repeat that hell on earth
Anyways,it's true. It's not me exaggerating my (every) part of life. I just can't imagine how the 12th graders are feeling right now....
Oh shit I'm gonna be in the 12th grade next year
I still don't know which uni I wanna go toooooooooooooooo
By the way,do you know this site called Humans of New York ? I've been loving it for a long time now (saying this so that I don't look like I live in a cave being someone who actually just found this website) and I read a lot of inspiring stories. What I love about it is that it was mostly, if not always, only a paragraph long. How can you touch someone's heart with just a paragraph long ? I don't think I would be able to do that even with a novel.
Or maybe it's just me who's too sensitive. I mean, in my stories that's mostly the case right ?
Hey, this just came to my mind. Funny how I always have nothing to write about. Yet here I am typing a lot of words per minute.
I don't even know who I'm talking to.
I followed a lot of fashion houses on instagram and it was Men's Fashion Week a few days (or weeks) ago. I haven't had time to see all the collection but oh my god those photos on instagram makes my closet look like a dumpster (see ? Exaggeration) I did see the new Michael backpack from Louis Vuitton it made me shed a tear (another exaggeration) in a good way, and I always love anything from Hermès
Speaking of Hermès I HAVE FINALLY FOUND MY FAVORITE SCENT OF ALL TIME
It's Jour d'Hermès made by perfumer Jean Cloud Ellena. Have you ever imagined youself skipping Luna Lovegood-style in the middle of a flower garden during spring time ? Well, try to capture that on a scent and BOOM ! Jour d'Hermès. What I also like about it is that I think it suits my personality, or at least what I want my personality to be. A happy go lucky child :)
So I'm posting this from my phone and it's so annoying this blogger app don't have an autoscroll feature. Oh wow it must be a high tech thing to have your app to scroll down right google. And I also can't see how long my post actually look like on desktop version so...
Fingrecrossed it's long enough
And if you thought I was only babbling pointless stories on this post
HOLA BLOG READERSSSSSSSSSS
OMG A FEW MONTHS OF HIATUS
I thought this was supposed to be a routine kind of thing -_-
oh well you know me and all my teenage hormones
2015....time flew so fast. I feel like I can't even imagine a year called 2015,don't know exactly why. I just thought that this is not supposed to be here right now. Time flew so fast,too fast that it is getting scary. Now I have to be honest with you, I don't have anything particular to write tonight. I just feel like I need to write something on my blog...thanks to kak Jasmine who encouraged me to start writing again by saying a few nice words about my writings hahaha.
Hmm, I guess I'll just write what I have been up to lately.
Time can change everything, the way we think about something, the way we feel about something, the way we respond to something, you get the idea. These past few months....I think my priorities and dreams have been shifted. Does this mean I'm not as focused and determined as I thought I was ? I don't know..I guess it's normal at this age but does this mean I keep making excuses ?????????
I think too much
My parents,especially my mom have always wanted be to be a doctor. I do want to be a doctor too, I mean, who wouldn't ? but getting into med school is hard, let alone "surviving" in it. Many people said that being a doctor is a life-long learner. It's a never ending journey because humans are such a complicated being. Beautiful, yet complicated. I myself find some excitement in finding out why our body work in such ways. It makes me remember how great and powerful Allah is. Also, being a doctor means you are an "extension" of God's hand. You are one of his ways of healing people....how amazing is that.
I used to think like "omg being a doctor would be soooo cool" but now that I have read some articles about what being a doctor actually feels like, and also a few articles about doctor's ethic, I think I have a clearer image of what being a doctor actually is. I used to be drawn into the excitement of saying "yes, I'm a med school student" but now I feel like it would be such a pleasure and a huge honour to be able to heal people.
Does this mean I'm giving up my dreams of going to Parsons ?
I don't know..I don't think I can answer that right now. A big part of me still want that American dream. Moving to New York, doing what I love and get paid for it. But the almost-as-big part of me also want to be a doctor..maybe stay in Indonesia for a few months before I move to New York ?
You might think "What's up with you and New York ?" I don't know..as a child I've always wanted to visit America. New York, in particular. I love every piece of it, I could write another essay about why I love New York so I guess I'd better not write about it here hehe.
To be honest, being a doctor seems to be a more achievable dream than going to Parsons. but I thought if your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough, right ?