Been reading this great book by Ika Natassa titled The Architecture of Love and it brings back the waves. It never goes away, but I am trying to never show it again to the point where I almost believe that I am healing. I thought I have mastered the art of swimming/surfing to the coast, yet here I am diving deeper into the abyss. Deeper and deeper until it becomes too deep. Funny how I cried less and less and less, yet I miss you more and more and more.
I think I find a lot of similarities with Raia, the main character of the story. The way she thinks. The way she uses words (in the novel, she is a writer). The way she lost and try to find herself. And also, the way she fell in love. I almost want to meet her only to remember that she is only fictional.
"Banyak hal yang lebih mudah disarankan daripada dilakukan. Seperti meminta maaf, memulai sesuatu dari awal, pindah, sampai menyatakan cinta." said Ika in her book. I don't know which word I really want to say. Both of them, I guess. Yet at the same time, I also have to start over. Wow. Now I know why it felt so hard.
"Satu hal yang menenangkan dari patah hati adalah paling tidak, tidak ada seorang pun yang kebal darinya," she said again.
I think the hardest person to be patient with is yourself. I have this high expectation of myself to handle everything "like an adult". Even my therapist tell me to do so. Come to think of it, what does handling everything like an adult means? Does it mean being "professional", able to function properly as a productive human being, part of a bigger and more productive society, even though you're falling apart everyday inside? Is it even possible? Is it even humane to even expect something like that from someone? What kind of world are we live in right now? They all said it's a cruel one, but never have I ever thought it would be this heartless.
I'm someone who always try to do something as fast and efficient as I possibly can. But with heartbreak, there's no instant fix. As far as I know, there's no medication that can take away the pain (hell, we don't even know the exact pathophysiological mechanism of a heartbreak!) there might be some things that momentarily relieves the pain such as spending time with friends or being busy and productive, but a great physician treats the disease and not the illness, right? At least now I know how it feels to have an (seemingly) incurable disease.
They said time heals everything. If time is the drug, then the amount of it is the dose. I wonder how much do I need for it to heal the scars and the wounds you left me with. I wonder if it was because the scars were too deep, or the cuts keep forming new ones everyday. "Love someone who didn't love you back, and you'll die daily" they said.
I hate how even after all this time, you still have this great effect in my life, the way I think and do everything. But maybe I have worn a rose-stained glass a tad too thick for you to handle. I'm sorry.
To you, my achilles heel.
You still are.
Yang patah tumbuh, yang hilang berganti.
Yang hancur lebur akan terobati.
Yang sia-sia akan jadi makna.
Yang terus berulang suatu saat henti.
Yang pernah jatuh ‘kan berdiri lagi. Yang patah tumbuh, yang hilang berganti. Yang patah (semoga) tumbuh, Yang hilang (semoga) berganti. Semoga.
Conceptualizing and trying to understand things from writings and other people's experience is very very different than actually experiencing it (duh). If you are brave enough to love so deeply, darling, then you should know that it always comes with a price. A risk. It always is. You've loved so deeply you could drown. Yet you still do it for the same amount of chance of finding the lost Atlantis under the sea. The chance of finding the "you" you lost a long time ago, or the "you" you've been looking for all this time.
When did all the songs start to makes sense? It does feel like an addiction. It does feel like butterflies, or zoos (yes, a couple of them) in your stomach. It does feel like the sharp edges of broken glasses gently jabbed into you. It is painful, yet you smiled. You smiled because you think of what it could've been. You smiled but you shed tears. Paradox after paradox after paradox. Something I couldn't grasp yet. Just like you.
Curiosity killed the cat. Uncertainty kills me. It needs time, but how much? It needs space. But how much? How could one just live with that kind of blurry hopes and dreams and move on? Or do they actually struggle everyday but they're just so good at it no one had noticed?
Yes, it would be very easy to forget you.
The thing is, I don't want to.
No, not yet.
It's something a fool would do.
But what can I say?
Guess I'm a fool for you.
I have your words echo in my head everyday. Thinking about it becomes a daily thing I do. My brain just puts it in the "background processing mode" so that I can (hopefully) still function as a normal human being.
I don't know how someone can love so deeply, gets rejected, move on, and then love again. If one unrequited love feels this bad, how does divorcing 9x feel like? How does being left at the altar feels like? Love sounds more and more like this dangerous game to me.
Does time actually heals? If so, how? Or do you just learn how to live with the pain?
Do you hate me? If so, how much? tell me.
I'm tired of waiting, but I don't want to stop. I kind of know it is pointless and such a waste of time, but can I at least try? It really is up to me, so why am I constantly seeking validations from people? What kind of answer am I trying to get, really?
I've never been the best at letting go.
Can we start over?
Echo is a series of posts containing my thoughts that I can't really turn into paragraphs. Not necessarily a result of contemplation, just something that I can't get off of my head. Does writing about it actually helps?