Thursday, June 22, 2017

It's Just Another Graceless Night

Ha! this has been the longest hiatus I've done from blogging. College has been very crazy. It's the same kind of routine, just more intense. So I guess there's nothing new that I can tell about in that department. Anyway, Ramadhan Mubarak everyone! Hope this holy month will bring us closer and closer to Allah...Aamiin.

I would like to dedicate this second paragraph specially for my senior high school friend, who is also a blog enthusiast, Nastiti. Thank you for still randomly visits my blog (what are you trying to find really?). In fact, my motivation for writing yet another post after such a long time is because of your comment! partly, at least. The biggest reason is because I'm so bored. It's still another 2 months before the next semester starts.

Hmm...what else should I write? I notice that my blog posts' alignment is aligned to the left instead of justified. This is not a scientific paper but still, I thought it would've been better if only I had used the justify setting. But editing around 100 posts just doesn't seem to be worth it, haha.

I envy people who has this nice blog where it lets them post short texts without looking weird. It's a blog that has a layout for microblogging (don't you have twitter for that?) so they can post random daily stuff every day. This makes them a very active blogger whereas my blog layout won't let me do such thing. It would look like I have an unfinished post posted. I guess I could've tweaked the settings and changed the settings, but I love the way my blog looks right now. So be prepared to find either nice writings about my deepest thoughts/feelings OR me babbling about nothing important (just like this one).

One great thing that happened to me is that I've "reconnected" to one of my oldest, dearest friend (basically my first real best friend) after a year of not-talking-to-each-other. Crazy, I know right. There are times during that year that I thought "Well, this is it. Maybe she only meant to be in my life for that long. Guess I should just cherish the memory instead of whining about what we could've been if I had done something different." I don't exactly know what happened, I guess all the sadness and anger forced me to forget the painful details. And so, we both are trying to live our own lives...

Just until a week ago, when she contacted me through Instagram. Long story short, we talked everything out. I was very worried that she was mad for me because of something I had done, and I don't want to get off my high horse and be the first one to say sorry. Turned out, that is exactly what she felt too! We ended up asking for each other apologies, tell each other how much we miss each other, tears streaming down my face and we hugged for what seems to be....ok you get the point.

So kids, what we can get from this experience is that great communication is the key to a great social life, which explains why I am always lacking in that department. We should never give a silence treatment before we are really, really, reallyyyyyyyy running out of words/the other person won't even listen to us for just a second. Especially in my case where silence treatment = giving up. If only I had at least trying to contact her long ago, all of this not-talking-for-a-whole-year nonsense won't ever happened. But then again, everything always happens for a reason, right?

All in all, everything seems fine for right now. We understand each other's rhythm and pace better than ever. Now I know that if she doesn't contact me, that doesn't mean she hates/forgets me. It's just right now there are things that needs to be done. She needs to do so so she can spend her free time with me. I mean, who would want to go to a karaoke night if none of his/her tasks and assignments are finished?! It's called having priorities, people. It's adulthood! I guess you could say we literally have grown up together :)

The most magical thing of all is that even after a whole year of not talking to each other, we are still in sync. We even have a lot more interesting things to talk about! This assures me more and more that she really is my best friend. Cause you know what they said, a strong friendship doesn't need daily conversations, doesn't always need togetherness. As long as the relationship lives in the heart, true friends will never part. 

To you, if you ever read this: I'm glad I met you at third grade elementary school. Thank you for depicting my fantasies with your drawings. Thank you for the calls, both late nights and impromptu. Thank you for teaching me how to not be a selfish bitch, despite the use of though love. Thank you for...well, everything.

FUNNY HOW I STARTED THIS POST WITH NOTHING IN MIND YET HERE I AM, WRITING PARAGRAPHS AFTER PARAGRAPHS OF DEAR DIARY.

Writing this post reminds me of how much I love writing, or at least seeing what I wrote haha. The process is sometimes boring, but the feeling of clicking "publish" after writing a long post is satisfying!

I guess I should just end this post now, even though my heads are filled with writing ideas.
need. to. organize. it. right. now.
I have the memory of Dory these days. See you in other posts, darling.

Kelvin here,
Signing off.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Abstract

I'm starting to think that being in love is more of a coincidence, a serendipity, something that is very influenced by luck. There are those who seem to have everything people would've wanted : a nice job, a nice house, nice car(s). Basically financially stable, yet they haven't found 'the one'. This might seem very obvious, love doesn't strike people based on their financial status. Yet most people seem to not understand that. There are many people who said "well, they already have everything, what are they waiting for" when it comes to their opinion about other's marital status as if not being married (or even in love) in that situation is very weird. I also find a lot of people who seem to have a lot of work to do with themselves decides that marriage is something for them and in the end it does help them grow better. Miracle does happen.

Hey, maybe they got personality problems. Or maybe they're not. Maybe they don't want to get married and have kids. Maybe they prefer the single life. Single life doesn't mean miserable life and I cannot stress this enough (really hate the jomblo jokes that seems to be going on FOR AGES). Love is a two way lane. Your line may be very smooth (with the criteria I mentioned above) but if your soulmate's line isn't smooth yet, you both will never meet.

Love, to me, is always this abstract thing people can never fully comprehend until they experience it themselves. I don't think I have experienced love. Or at least, the kind of love I was expecting with all the butterflies in the stomach and stuff. It might not be just luck but because it is very hard for me to grasp, I guess it's easier to conclude that luck is the biggest factor.

All I wanna say is that you, people who are in love, should be very grateful because those whose hands you hold might be your soulmate. At least right now, you think he/she is. Some of us will have a long journey to find one. Some of us have taken a long journey to find one, only to lose it next year. Surround yourself with people you love, cherish them and make them feel your love. Never take anything for granted.

Kelvin here, signing off.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Up, Up, Away

"Too much of anything can make you sick," said Cheryl Cole in one of her famous song "Parachute". "Even the good can be a curse" she added.

WELL APPARENTLY TOO MUCH OF ANYTHING DOES MAKE YOU FEEL SICK. I am currently in my holidays or "winter break" as some of you would call it. We don't really have winter here so we can't call it winter break. Should we call it rainy season break? It doesn't sound good though. The point is, it's just another long holiday where I have to spend my time doing nothing. Wait, actually I don't have to do that but since I don't have any other choice, that kinda makes me have to do it. Anyway, the only reason I was up this late (yeah, 10 p.m IS late for me) is I really don't have anything to do, I just take naps all day long. Heck, I even (finally) finished a novel I have bought months ago! that's just how crazy this whole doing-nothing thing is.

It's not that it's bad that I've spent my holidays reading novel, in fact, I was pretty happy that I finally have time to finish the novel and it was a very good one: Magnus Chase and The Hammer of Thor. The thing I liked about this book (aside of the hilarious sarcasm and rhetorical questions by the main characters) is the fact that there is this one moslem character named Samirah Al-Abbas. It was told in the story that even in the middle of fighting giants with the Norse gods (or powerful entity, as Samirah would say it), she still obeys her obligation of praying five times a day, everyday. Now now, you would think that after seeing a lot of unbelievable things such as gods and monsters and giants, one would simply not believe any god that he/she would never be able to actually see. Our senses, after all, have a very big impact on how we perceive the world. This was proven by Magnus (the main character) being an atheist. But Sam is a very different case and I just like how Rick incorporates it beautifully into his story.

Right now I'm currently reading Sophie's World by Jostein Gaarder. I must admit I had a very...different expectation of this book. I thought it was about Sophie's adventure in some crazy world where in the end there is this philosophical question or conclusion that would blow your mind. I thought that was what people meant by "philosophical novel". Turns out it was about the history and development of philosophy retold in a very compelling way. It was good, though I've read some of the history before online (being a philosophical nerd wannabe myself) so it was a little bit boring. But I've only read a tiny bit of the book so I might just finish it before jumping into any conclusions (hah!)

ANYWAY can I please mention the fact that I have only written 3 blogposts IN THE PAST YEAR???????
Crazy.
Can't believe it's 2017 already. By December this year I would be 20 too. The next thing you know you'll be sitting in your porch with your grandkids. Still the same questions linger in my mind: what have I done in the past year? Have I been a better person than I am before? Have I achieved all of my goals? Do I even have any goals at all?????
But as always, questions only well asked but never answered. I was never bothered to look for one. I guess some part was because I am too lazy to look for it (yet I bravely admit that I am a philosophical nerd) but also some part of me kinda want that question to never be answered....I don't know why. It just adds more of this mysterious type of feeling to life. Or maybe I was too afraid to look for the answers because I was afraid of what the outcome would be..I mean, what if I'm not a better person than I am last year? Does that mean that I have wasted a full year of doing nothing? But again, does the end result really matter that much? Isn't the journey that changes people?

SEE. MORE QUESTIONS ARISES WHEN YOU ANSWERED.

College life was also a little bit boring. I don't know, maybe I am the one who is boring. It's just that I don't have the same kind of excitement studying about life the way I had it during the senior year of my high school. Everything was so mesmerising back then that I decided hey, maybe this is my call. Maybe finally I've found my purpose of life! To study biology for the rest of my life. But then college happened. I guess it all moved too fast and too brief for me. Or maybe I just haven't had it yet. But Alhamdulillah, praises to Allah, I have been doing pretty good. At least I'm not embarrassing my parents. Hehehe.

So I guess the last thing I wanna talk about is the concept of balance and equity. If you have studied natural sciences for some time, you would've noticed that the general concept of nature is balance and equity. Even homeostasis, this big concept in biology, is based on balance and equity. It was something that humans are born with though: the tendency of being in perfect balance, harmony, peace and virtue. It's what we called fitrah in Islam. But the one thing I would like to discuss (WITH WHO? HAHA.) is say, you're in the middle of a conflict between two people and you understand why each person was doing the thing they had done and therefore you didn't choose sides. Does that mean you're being very equitable and wise? Does not taking sides always a good thing? Because I actually do feel like the ability to comprehend people numbs your judgement. We have this ideals and principles but we also understand that there's no such thing as perfection, that we have to take into measure the circumstances of those people to actually understand why they have done what they had done. I think that is a very large amount of variables to count. I thought by trying to understand each other views, you would be able too judge more clearly. But I guess in the end it all comes down to what values you have of this life. One would not deem murder as something bad if they don't value human life, right?

Sorry for the long post. It's just nice to finally have someone to talk to. I might look like some desperate loser, but that's another topic for yet another post.

Kelvin here, signing off.

Friday, July 15, 2016

Oh, The Feels.

Pedih nyatanya yang tak terjawabMampu menjatuhkanku yang dikira tegarKau tepikan aku, kau renggut mimpiYang dulu kita ukir bersamaSeolah aku tak pernah jadi bagian besar dalam hari harimu
Lebih baik kita usai di siniSebelum cerita indah tergantikan pahitnya sakit hatiBukannya aku mudah menyerah, tapi bijaksanaMengerti kapan harus berhentiKu kan menunggu, tapi tak selamanya

Kau tepikan aku, kau renggut mimpiYang dulu kita ukir bersamaSeolah aku tak pernah jadi bagian besar dalam hari-harimuSeolah janji dan kata-kata yang telah terucap kehilangan arti

Lebih baik kita usai di siniSebelum cerita indah tergantikan pahitnya sakit hatiBukannya aku mudah menyerah, tapi bijaksanaMengerti kapan harus berhentiKu kan menunggu tapi tak selamanya

Tak akan jera kupercaya cintaManis dan pahitnya kan kuterimaKini kisah kita akhiri dengan makna

Lebih baik kita usai di siniSebelum cerita indah tergantikan pahitnya sakit hatiBukannya aku mudah menyerah, tapi bijaksanaMengerti kapan harus berhentiKu kan menunggu, tapi tak selamanya.
Thank you for understanding how it feels when no one does.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

I Pray For Patience, I Pray For Wisdom.

I don't know. I used to be able to fathom words into sentences that speaks up my mind. I guess I just have too many feelings felt all at once that I can't categorize them properly to further recognize them (or is it the other way around?). But sometimes I think I also feel nothing at all. Is that even possible? It's so intense and numbing at the same time. My theraphist says I might be surpressing my feelings but I call it selective expressing. I don't think it's really that necessary to get all touchy-feeling every second, right? Does holding their feelings makes one a tougher person? Someone wise once said to me that patience is not about letting the anger (or any feeling at all) build up inside you. It's about not losing control of your emotion. Well, isn't holding up your emotion some sort of control?

I asked a lot of questions. I was hoping for my blog to be informative when I first started it yet I asked a lot of (unanswered) questions here. But hey, all great people do (Charles Darwin is one good example). After all, not all who wander are lost, right? 

Defeat does not taste good, darling. The bitterness of it lurks in the shadow, all well prepared for that moment when you let your guard slips down even for just a tiny second. You cannot control defeat, you can only control your guards. And even if you have everything under control that doesn't mean it's not strong enough to break it down. 

Defeat is neither good nor bad. It can be a great whip (do not sing that nae nae song) for some, which then will boost up their spirit again, or it can be a painful stab to one's heart to the point that their soul stops glittering. All that's left is a faint glow, maybe a hint of ember. It should be enough though, the little light, if they just know how to keep it glowing. Hope is, after all, the eternal nemesis of defeat. 

Let there be light even in the darkest place. 

So I'll try to pick myself up. It's not the end of the world. It shouldn't be. I still have a lot to be grateful for. I believe God's plan are better than anyone's. He is the all knowing, He knows how hard one has been working for what they want. He just loves to see His best fighters continue their struggle because He knows they're the strongest of them all. He promises great rewards in the end and He never, ever, breaks His promise.


Kelvin here,

Signing off.  

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Stuck in The Same Old Lane

(Still not going to mention the fact that I have no longer wrote on a regular basis)

I can't believe it's the last week of my high school days. We still have prom night and graduation and maybe some administration stuff to look forward to, but my days studying wearing that grey and white uniform is almost over. The next 2 days is the last 2 days of my national exam. At this point I just hope that I don't disappoint my parents. The dream of having a perfect score is just too high :'D

So what's next for me ? That question still haunts me for days even to this second. Most of my friends had already got that figured out. There are a lot of options, from the best to the worst. But how do I choose if I don't even know what I want ?

I know that this whole "I'm trying to figure out what I want to be in life" topic is pretty boring for you, whoever read this post. It has been the main topic for a couple of my past posts. And I am a little bit bored too. I wish my boredom would give me answers. I'm not even 100% sure I know who I am, let alone what I wanna be in life.

But maybe, just maybe, this uncertainty is a good thing. I don't want to be limited by my own choices. But then is it a really good thing if I have a lot (or too many) options ?

I didn't expect being a teenager to be this stressful.

Well, tomorrow's exam is Physics and I suck at it. Like...so bad. Yet here I am snacking and binge-watching 2 Broke Girls and Stitchers.

May the blessings of God be with me, Amen.

Kelvin, signing off.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Oh Snap !

Bonsoir tout le monde !!!!

or at least it's night here when I wrote this.
It's funny how I still remember the password to my blog account since I've stopped blogging for about god knows how many months now. I have to say that it did cross my mind for a few times to update this site, and some of my friends (two, to be exact) asked whether I'm going to post something new or not. I guess it's safe to say that they liked my blog!!!!

or maybe they just need something to laugh at.
there's that possibility.

So today is June 1st and I literally don't have anything to write. I just finally have enough willpower to overcome my laziness and write something. I'm currently on my finals week right now. I feel calm....or at least I wanted to feel calm. Today's exam subject was BI and it was 22 pages of pure torture :') and my teacher used the same paragraph over and over and over again for like 10 questions. I think I had enough reading for the rest of my life.

Tomorrow is June 2nd (why am I starting my paragraphs with obvious facts ?) and it's a day off celebrating the power of Pancasila (it is the literal translation of the name of the holiday). You see, theoretically you should start your paragraph with the general idea of what that paragraph is going to say. But in my blog that's not the case and we can simply forget about that rule, or even any rule ! because that's how I write, anything that crosses my mind, I'll write it in that second.

See, the thing is sometimes I feel like my blog posts should be something educative and informative for people to like it. Or at least, entertaining. OR AT THE VERY LEAST, have correct sentences (grammatically) and punctuations. But then I rethink about why I started blogging then, I'm doing it for fun. I don't want to end up having to serve people through my posts, even though many said that if I planned the whole thing carefully, I might make some good money. I want to have fun, I want to escape my usually, habitual life and wrote things that I didn't have the courage to say. That's it. If people happen to like it, good. If people didn't like it.....well that's not good but I guess it's okay.

I also think that this whole I-forgot-why-am-I-doing-this-in-the-first-place thing also happens a lot in our life. What I can tell you from a student perspective is that I know a lot of people who are competing to get a super duper extra high quality with cherry on top grades. I know, I know, that's the spirit. But most of the times that spirit turns people into animals. I've seen my friends sabotaging each other's works, not remembering why are they studying in the first place. I'm not going to put the "holier than thou" thing here but for me, I like knowing something. I like knowing how something works. I like to know why something works. and in my ideal world where there are no social obligations to get married and have kids, and you don't have to have good grades and a diploma to get your life together, I would love to be a life-long learner. I believe there's more to the universe; even after everything we've known now.

There are some times where I considered applying for philosophy major.

By the way, MY SCHOOL'S MAGAZINE IS GOING TO BE PRINTED ANYTIME SOON !!!!!!!!
PSYCHED.

Kelvin here, signing off.

P.S : Cara Delevingne I love you
P.P.S : that P.S above is an excellent example of my perfect incapability of systematic writing.